Trust

The last while I have really tried hard to trust myself enough to break old habits and beliefs that were limiting me. Trust that it is not because I am oversensitive that I'm not at a point where according to society, I should be. What I believed about being sensitive was very limiting, because I didn't trust it, I resented it. It was the cause of much self doubt. Too afraid to react there and then for risk of hurting someone else's feelings, or getting it wrong. I felt no one was listening, I wasn't listening to myself. So that had to change. I started to show my feelings more, being vulnerable was a huge thing for me. Knowing that I am accepted for exactly who I am is so liberating and validating. The authentic honest version, no crap. 

I am aware that my sensitivity can be turned up high at times. I acknowledge this as being an indicator that it's something I really care about. I care about stuff that I'm sensitive about. If I'm sensitive, I'm invested. I learned not to invest in everyone or everything. Sensitive people get over loaded and take on other peoples energy. This is so draining, tiring and drama fuelled that you loose your own peace. Its so exhausting! It's important to be aware of your sensitivity so that this doesn't happen. Being aware lessened the impact of being so different. Knowing it's not such a big deal if you don't have the same values as everyone, being different is good. In fact it's a bloody brilliant thing! Trying to be the same as everyone else denies you the right to be authentic, therefore never truly feeling like you belong. I figured out that having different values to others caused triggers in my sensitivity and mistrust of myself. I thought that if I valued fairness more than someone else, I was too sensitive or they were unfair. Now I know that they have different life experiences and values and I am ok that they exist, we don't have to hang out. Purely because of my values of respect and fairness and non judgement, I live these and feel great about giving that to everyone. I then gave myself permission not to value what others said so highly. This was a revelation for me. Fairness was a huge value of mine and now I trusted it. I figured out why I felt crazy when found it hard to laugh at comedians jokes if they were too crude or unfair! It was my values. I started to laugh at myself and my inability to laugh at jokes that were a bit to close to unfair which was so funny to me. I started to take things less seriously! It was a gift. That was the start of the road to trusting myself. I knew what I needed to feel good about my values. I knew when I was being taken away from my values. I knew when to be care and be sensitive and when I should value what someone said. Knowing who to value is another great revelation. I value those who I can be vulnerable with, without shame of judgement or expectation. I value those who are in the authentic zone with me and brave to be authentic and real. I know that there are many areas in my life where being absolutely authentic can be more difficult. These are the places of work, leisure, bus stops, where strangers and acquaintances meet. 

I don't enjoy sharing sensitivity in places where I am not fully authentic. But it happens. When it does happen I look to my values, stick to being authentic and congratulate myself for being brave yet again. Because being vulnerable and being true to your values is authentic and brave. It allows you to laugh at life and have a sense of humour. You can be less judgemental and fearful of others. You can have a life and actually trust yourself, Listen to yourself and be heardby others.