I sat down tonight thinking, thinking a lot. My head felt the power, and the weight of of how heavy my thoughts were getting.
I've been writing a journal every day for the past month, with the purpose of changing my thoughts.
It seemed that for the longest time I have been using a flawed method of thinking, trying to make things feel better.
It went like this;
I wake up, alone single, aware that I'm 29 and lots of people I want to be like are settling down or settled and I am finding it harder to connect in a meaningful way with those who I most want to be like.
I found myself resenting them for what they have. Thinking of my negatives and their positives, wasting my energy on how they have found happiness and I have a gaping hole in me that is just not being filled.
My defenses are up so high I've found it so hard to figure out somedays how to sort it all out.
Lots of things have changed for me in the past 3 years.
I promised myself things would change, and change they did.
I stopped being friends with people I considered not great for my self confidence. Trying hard to fill their places with others who might not cross my undetermined, (as yet) boundaries that needed voicing.
I voiced them alright, after the fact, worried that I needed time to dwell and think and dwell again on my own actions assessing my need for drama and the balance between chaos and stability lest I become bored with life. Therefore filling and willing my life to be filled with contemplation. Not the good sort, at first.
Hense the journal.
I am starting out again, beginning again. I'm saying goodbye to the old ways that maybe held me in a place that I've grown out from, gotten bored or sick and tired of.
My journal is one meant for totting up the good experiences in this life. The ones that make each day what life is worth living for instead of the old ways of trying to understand the puzzle of pain that lay in the pit of my chest aching to be understood and gotten rid of quick, before anyone notices I'm not perfect. My God I'm not perfect, Oh how I try.
No now I would count my blessings. I try to reach ten blessings a day.I was so stuck in trying to fix problems by confronting them head on and worrying about confrontation and possible social consequences that I was scared of a lot.
I had tried to confront many things, some I successfully managed.
I left relationships that weren't working, completely severed some feeling like I'd chopped off my own arm. Hating it but I needed to do it to face face face it.
I travelled alone in Canada and America.
I draughted new boundaries for new relationship designed to make me feel safe and secure, not realising I might be cutting myself off from what I needed most in this lonely single life.
My need to connect in a real way with others, cutting out all the crap and getting down to it.
I love the nitty gritty of sorting out each others mutual failings and inperfections realising that we are not all perfect ....phew.
So I got kind of sick of it and started trying to focus on BLESSINGS.
entry 1 went something like this
I am so greatful for the body I have, arms, legs, air, food, home, then I got stuck, oh yeah a job.....eh......car.........hmmmnnn this is hard, eh money, no I dont want to be one of those money loving people but I am greatful for what I have,.... ok that goes down....clothes........a family..friends.. how many is that??
Have I gone over ,ah feck it. Maybe , I think I can focus on this and give more time and energy to this rather than play fear facing scenarios over and over in my head, terrifying myself to the point that human interactions can be a bit much at times.
things have been going well so far, its been a month in total.
Good things started happening
More recognition at work, noticing the positives to being called into the office, not feeling so much the dreaded fear of what I might have done wrong, and being pleasantly surprised.
Stopped caring as much about if people think I'm kind, nice, happy and together.
Gained more human contact, because I realised I actually need it, like food and air, for me its a need.
I attracted chance meetings - got to meet two bands that I had seen and was amazed by on my travels. They ended up coming to Dublin, where they weren't being mobbed by fans and I actually went for a night out with Hey Rosetta and met Mr Allen Stone and band. Both so worth looking up.
Not only that but the more thankful I felt the more I was able to pass it on and break down some of my defenses, giving back to those that I felt thankful towards.
This was all working so wonderfully, I was feeling different. I didnt feel that I needed to get to the bottom of that aching feeling. I found I could actually change my thoughts, with a bit of effort.
Lets face it, an every day effort. I pondered how many others my age and circumstance were doing similar things.
I asked a friend and she said I maybe just needed to get a dog. I had been going on about getting one because I need to look after something if not someone. I need to do that. To me I'm far to complicated for that to be the final answer to this. We as humans have so many needs that we rarely know what they all are.
I knew this would give me the comfort I needed but I need more nourishment that that. I need to invest in myself every single day to the point where I am able to look in the mirror and thank myself from the bottom of my heart.
For being here, for being me.
I did that, and I cried. A little. But I felt it in that empty space in the pit of my chest, filling slightly.
The more I put behind it, the more I backed it up, the more I made myself believe and became more convincing the more I thought, this is what I truly need right now.
I need to truly deeply accept and love myself and recognise the good that is coming my way and open up and accept that too. With deserving hands.
Yes I say, I am worthy and I accept the good that is coming my way.
I start filling myself up and nourishing myself the aching dulls.
