Sunday 16 December 2012

Its been a while since I wrote my last post. I was a little worried to be honest.
How worry is the bane of my life, it has come from generations of anxious family members who passed it on to me my mother and my sister.
We cannot stop ourselves from worrying, about something I said, she said, what did they really mean?etc.....
Well, fuck it.
It ends with me I'm not gona let it stop me now, no full steam ahead!
Worry had brought me to places I really shouldn't have gone to in my own head.
Dark but sickly sweet places. Where I actually dwelled on situations looking for solutions only to come to the conclusion that we can't know everything and need to learn how to actually let things go and move on.

Face it head on I thought, head on is best.

I suffer with hereditary alopecia and the hairdresser used to say that it was because I worried about it and thought about it too much.
It's true the more I looked in the mirror the more it became an obsession it was one of those nagging worries that affected my confidence and generally all areas of my life including my femininity.
I needed it sorted like so many other problems that surfaced and stared me right in the face last year.
I decided to go and get myself diagnosed.
The dermatologiest confirmed that no amount of worrying or stress could've made my condition any worse because it had been genetic.
Although this was like music to my ears, because the cycle of feeling worried stressed and then guilty for stressing myself out floated away and left me with a feeling of lightness like no other.
I knew that there was no real cure now and it was something I might have to learn to live with.

It got me thinking about what a useless thing it is to worry. Worrying causes so much emotional pain and stress and really doesn't solve anything.
I resolved to figure out how to let things go more easily and live my life so that I could actually enjoy it.
Sometimes I over do it and it can set me back. I can really let go and sometimes hurt the people I love.
I set boundaries to feel more secure, I organised myself so that I could live on my own.
However I take a time out and I have no idea what to do with all this time that can lead to dwelling again.
So...........................

I started running.
2 miles at first then I managed 5 then 7 in the space of two weeks.

Now when I say running I mean slow jogging, sometimes breaking out into a faster pace. But I got there, I did it and it was a personal achievement that calmed the nagging worried part of my brain that would not shut the hell up.

I enjoy running so much that it is so hard to let too much time go by without doing it. I feel the nagging worry building up and solidifying in my chest area again which shakes me to my core and I hate it, I hate being like that.

But........

I had to take a break from it after only two weeks of starting to strike out and feel good. I had to paint my house. It took forever. I cleaned and cleaned and had no time to get out there.
The worry started again.

I started to get apprehensive now about my hair again. I had been wearing a volumiser for a while- mini wig that made me feel less like an oap when I was going out and a bit more like Cheryl Cole but It was slightly unnaturally thick which made me feel a little self conscious. I didnt mind when the wind blew though and I thought I don't care if it lashes my hair will not show any gaps.It was wonderful for a while.
 But this was not a long term thing. I needed something more permanent. It was no good having boys over and having to keep your hair on. Another worry that I obsessed over, holding me back from finding Mr right too.
So I decided to go for a hair transplant. This was going to cost a bit of money but I was facing up to it now and things were falling into place with my running and so with my head.
I wasn't allowed under the post- procedure guidelines to exercise for 2 weeks. I had had severe tonsillitis after the major effort I put into getting the house straight. That took another two weeks out if my training. I started running again this week and I forgot how good it feels. I just love it.
I ran to the point I had picked out in my run and bumped into a lady that I had got chatting to the last time I was out.
We chatted and I remembered what she had said running hd done for her.
Running had made her feel sane again, cutting out all the bullshit in her life leaving only the real worries lefte to deal with. Things that actually mattered.
I was in heaven.

After starting back out doing my 5k straight off the bat {which I couldn't believe I managed to do- albeit slowly) the first time back on the road.

I craved more. I went back out the next day and this time I had underlying stuff that was bothering me about friends that just wouldn't go away. I ran and ran and ran I pushed it up and out to let it go. As much as I could, because after all it wasnt something I could've changed. It wasn't something I really fully understood. I just knew I had to run. I went from  feeling slightly shite, to feeling good, at  points elated.
This is going to be part of my life from now on. This is my way forward. I am on the right track.

Saturday 24 November 2012

beginning again

I sat down tonight thinking, thinking a lot. My head felt the power, and the weight of of how heavy my thoughts were getting.
I've been writing a journal every day for the past month, with the purpose of changing my thoughts.
It seemed that for the longest time I have been using a flawed method of thinking, trying to make things feel better.
It went like this;
I wake up, alone single, aware that I'm 29 and lots of people I want to be like are settling down or settled and I am finding it harder to connect in a meaningful way with those who I most want to be like.
I found myself resenting them for what they have. Thinking of my negatives and their positives, wasting my energy on how they have found happiness and I have a gaping hole in me that is just not being filled.
My defenses are up so high I've found it so hard to figure out somedays how to sort it all out.

Lots of things have changed for me in the past 3 years.

I promised myself things would change, and change they did.
I stopped being friends with people I considered not great for my self confidence. Trying hard to fill their places with others who might not cross my undetermined, (as yet) boundaries that needed voicing.

I voiced them alright, after the fact, worried that I needed time to dwell and think and dwell again on my own actions assessing my need for drama and the balance between chaos and stability lest I become bored with life. Therefore filling and willing my life to be filled with contemplation. Not the good sort, at first.

Hense the journal.

I am starting out again, beginning again. I'm saying goodbye to the old ways that maybe held me in a place that I've grown out from, gotten bored or sick and tired of.

My journal is one meant for totting up the good experiences in this life. The ones that make each day what life is worth living for instead of the old ways of trying to understand the puzzle of pain that lay in the pit of my chest aching to be understood and gotten rid of quick, before anyone notices I'm not perfect. My God I'm not perfect, Oh how I try.

No now I would count my blessings. I try to reach ten blessings a day.I was so stuck in trying to fix problems by confronting them head on and worrying about confrontation and possible social consequences that I was scared of a lot.

I had tried  to confront many things, some I successfully managed.

I left relationships that weren't working, completely severed some feeling like I'd chopped off my own arm. Hating it but I needed to do it to face face face it.

I travelled alone in Canada and America.

I draughted new boundaries for new relationship designed to make me feel safe and secure, not realising I might be cutting myself off from what I needed most in this lonely single life.
My need to connect in a real way with others, cutting out all the crap and getting down to it.


I love the nitty gritty of sorting out each others mutual failings and inperfections realising that we are not all perfect ....phew.

So I got kind of sick of it and started trying to focus on BLESSINGS.

entry 1 went something like this

I am so greatful for the body I have, arms, legs, air, food, home, then I got stuck, oh yeah a job.....eh......car.........hmmmnnn this is hard, eh money, no I dont want to be one of those money loving people but I am greatful for what I have,.... ok that goes down....clothes........a family..friends.. how many is that??

Have I gone over ,ah feck it. Maybe , I think I can focus on this and give more time and energy to this rather than play fear facing scenarios over and over in my head, terrifying myself to the point that human interactions can be a bit much at times.

things have been going well so far, its been a month in total.

Good things started happening

More recognition at work, noticing the positives to being called into the office, not feeling so much the dreaded fear of what I might have done wrong, and being pleasantly surprised.

Stopped caring as much about if people think I'm kind, nice, happy and together.

Gained more human contact, because I realised I actually need it, like food and air, for me its a need.

I attracted chance meetings - got to meet two bands that I had seen and was amazed by on my travels. They ended up coming to Dublin, where they weren't being mobbed by fans and I actually went for a night out with Hey Rosetta and met Mr Allen Stone and band. Both so worth looking up.


Not only that but the more thankful I felt the more I was able to pass it on and break down some of my defenses, giving back to those that I felt thankful towards.

This was all working so wonderfully, I was feeling different. I didnt feel that I needed to get to the bottom of that aching feeling. I found I could actually change my thoughts, with a bit of effort.

Lets face it, an every day effort. I pondered how many others my age and circumstance were doing similar things.
I asked a friend and she said I maybe just needed to get a dog. I had been going on about getting one because I need to look after something if not someone. I need to do that. To me I'm far to complicated for that to be the final answer to this. We as humans have so many needs that we rarely know what they all are.
I knew this would give me the comfort I needed but I need more nourishment that that. I need to invest in myself every single day to the point where I am able to look in the mirror and thank myself from the bottom of my heart.
For being here, for being me.

I did that, and I cried. A little. But I felt it in that empty space in the pit of my chest, filling slightly.
The more I put behind it, the  more I backed it up, the more I made myself believe and became more convincing the more I thought, this is what I truly need right now.
I need to truly deeply accept and love myself and recognise the good that is coming my way and open up and accept that too. With deserving hands.
Yes I say, I am worthy and I accept the good that is coming my way.
I start filling myself up and nourishing myself the aching dulls.