Its been a while since I wrote my last post. I was a little worried to be honest.
How worry is the bane of my life, it has come from generations of anxious family members who passed it on to me my mother and my sister.
We cannot stop ourselves from worrying, about something I said, she said, what did they really mean?etc.....
Well, fuck it.
It ends with me I'm not gona let it stop me now, no full steam ahead!
Worry had brought me to places I really shouldn't have gone to in my own head.
Dark but sickly sweet places. Where I actually dwelled on situations looking for solutions only to come to the conclusion that we can't know everything and need to learn how to actually let things go and move on.

Face it head on I thought, head on is best.

I suffer with hereditary alopecia and the hairdresser used to say that it was because I worried about it and thought about it too much.
It's true the more I looked in the mirror the more it became an obsession it was one of those nagging worries that affected my confidence and generally all areas of my life including my femininity.
I needed it sorted like so many other problems that surfaced and stared me right in the face last year.
I decided to go and get myself diagnosed.
The dermatologiest confirmed that no amount of worrying or stress could've made my condition any worse because it had been genetic.
Although this was like music to my ears, because the cycle of feeling worried stressed and then guilty for stressing myself out floated away and left me with a feeling of lightness like no other.
I knew that there was no real cure now and it was something I might have to learn to live with.

It got me thinking about what a useless thing it is to worry. Worrying causes so much emotional pain and stress and really doesn't solve anything.
I resolved to figure out how to let things go more easily and live my life so that I could actually enjoy it.
Sometimes I over do it and it can set me back. I can really let go and sometimes hurt the people I love.
I set boundaries to feel more secure, I organised myself so that I could live on my own.
However I take a time out and I have no idea what to do with all this time that can lead to dwelling again.
So...........................

I started running.
2 miles at first then I managed 5 then 7 in the space of two weeks.

Now when I say running I mean slow jogging, sometimes breaking out into a faster pace. But I got there, I did it and it was a personal achievement that calmed the nagging worried part of my brain that would not shut the hell up.

I enjoy running so much that it is so hard to let too much time go by without doing it. I feel the nagging worry building up and solidifying in my chest area again which shakes me to my core and I hate it, I hate being like that.

But........

I had to take a break from it after only two weeks of starting to strike out and feel good. I had to paint my house. It took forever. I cleaned and cleaned and had no time to get out there.
The worry started again.

I started to get apprehensive now about my hair again. I had been wearing a volumiser for a while- mini wig that made me feel less like an oap when I was going out and a bit more like Cheryl Cole but It was slightly unnaturally thick which made me feel a little self conscious. I didnt mind when the wind blew though and I thought I don't care if it lashes my hair will not show any gaps.It was wonderful for a while.
 But this was not a long term thing. I needed something more permanent. It was no good having boys over and having to keep your hair on. Another worry that I obsessed over, holding me back from finding Mr right too.
So I decided to go for a hair transplant. This was going to cost a bit of money but I was facing up to it now and things were falling into place with my running and so with my head.
I wasn't allowed under the post- procedure guidelines to exercise for 2 weeks. I had had severe tonsillitis after the major effort I put into getting the house straight. That took another two weeks out if my training. I started running again this week and I forgot how good it feels. I just love it.
I ran to the point I had picked out in my run and bumped into a lady that I had got chatting to the last time I was out.
We chatted and I remembered what she had said running hd done for her.
Running had made her feel sane again, cutting out all the bullshit in her life leaving only the real worries lefte to deal with. Things that actually mattered.
I was in heaven.

After starting back out doing my 5k straight off the bat {which I couldn't believe I managed to do- albeit slowly) the first time back on the road.

I craved more. I went back out the next day and this time I had underlying stuff that was bothering me about friends that just wouldn't go away. I ran and ran and ran I pushed it up and out to let it go. As much as I could, because after all it wasnt something I could've changed. It wasn't something I really fully understood. I just knew I had to run. I went from  feeling slightly shite, to feeling good, at  points elated.
This is going to be part of my life from now on. This is my way forward. I am on the right track.