Trust

The last while I have really tried hard to trust myself enough to break old habits and beliefs that were limiting me. Trust that it is not because I am oversensitive that I'm not at a point where according to society, I should be. What I believed about being sensitive was very limiting, because I didn't trust it, I resented it. It was the cause of much self doubt. Too afraid to react there and then for risk of hurting someone else's feelings, or getting it wrong. I felt no one was listening, I wasn't listening to myself. So that had to change. I started to show my feelings more, being vulnerable was a huge thing for me. Knowing that I am accepted for exactly who I am is so liberating and validating. The authentic honest version, no crap. 

I am aware that my sensitivity can be turned up high at times. I acknowledge this as being an indicator that it's something I really care about. I care about stuff that I'm sensitive about. If I'm sensitive, I'm invested. I learned not to invest in everyone or everything. Sensitive people get over loaded and take on other peoples energy. This is so draining, tiring and drama fuelled that you loose your own peace. Its so exhausting! It's important to be aware of your sensitivity so that this doesn't happen. Being aware lessened the impact of being so different. Knowing it's not such a big deal if you don't have the same values as everyone, being different is good. In fact it's a bloody brilliant thing! Trying to be the same as everyone else denies you the right to be authentic, therefore never truly feeling like you belong. I figured out that having different values to others caused triggers in my sensitivity and mistrust of myself. I thought that if I valued fairness more than someone else, I was too sensitive or they were unfair. Now I know that they have different life experiences and values and I am ok that they exist, we don't have to hang out. Purely because of my values of respect and fairness and non judgement, I live these and feel great about giving that to everyone. I then gave myself permission not to value what others said so highly. This was a revelation for me. Fairness was a huge value of mine and now I trusted it. I figured out why I felt crazy when found it hard to laugh at comedians jokes if they were too crude or unfair! It was my values. I started to laugh at myself and my inability to laugh at jokes that were a bit to close to unfair which was so funny to me. I started to take things less seriously! It was a gift. That was the start of the road to trusting myself. I knew what I needed to feel good about my values. I knew when I was being taken away from my values. I knew when to be care and be sensitive and when I should value what someone said. Knowing who to value is another great revelation. I value those who I can be vulnerable with, without shame of judgement or expectation. I value those who are in the authentic zone with me and brave to be authentic and real. I know that there are many areas in my life where being absolutely authentic can be more difficult. These are the places of work, leisure, bus stops, where strangers and acquaintances meet. 

I don't enjoy sharing sensitivity in places where I am not fully authentic. But it happens. When it does happen I look to my values, stick to being authentic and congratulate myself for being brave yet again. Because being vulnerable and being true to your values is authentic and brave. It allows you to laugh at life and have a sense of humour. You can be less judgemental and fearful of others. You can have a life and actually trust yourself, Listen to yourself and be heardby others. 

Running and being single

I did it! I got there! I ran the mini marathon in 68 minutes! Great stuff. I'm pushing hard now to stay at 10k! I need it. 

Going back to 5k isn't an option, it's 10 or don't bother. 

Been out four times in total since then. Loving it. I managed to shave off 7 minutes off my total time and now I can run it in 61 minutes. That's just ten minute miles. Holy shit how did that happen?

I'm a ball of total energy spiralling across the room. My body is, cells humming, involuntarily. Endorphins are coursing through my veins. It's a rush that pushes me to do more. 

Energy is giving me the stamina to do way more than ever now. 

I took myself out on the town with a friend, two singletons out and about. We were in need of a flirt. We started off in the stags head and were struggling to find seats. We positioned ourselves in the view of a group of handsome men who looked like they had jobs and enjoyed a chat together. Not one of them offered a seat. 

Granted one of them had a wedding ring on, but we enjoyed having a look at the others. 

We were spotted by two older men who asked us if we wanted to sit down. We obliged and sat. It was easy to identify with them. They were in the same position as us but older one widowed and one divorced. We chatted about the possibility of there only being ''the one'' being a myth. 

I proceeded to try and set them up with my mam's friends thinking how great it would be. 

So I took their pic and sent it to her and took his number. 

They proceeded to tell us we were gorgeous and they couldn't believe we were single. The usual story and response '' we don't know what we're doing wrong''. 

We are strong women who have been through our stuff and are enthusiastic about life. Not only that but deep and emotional in the way that enriches life and injects it into those we talk to. It's a miserable confusing and exciting time. Kissing boys and running away to find the right one. 

Later on we went to coppers where my friend was chatted up while I stood around feeling vulnerable and slightly panicked. I needed to talk to someone.

I was chatted up by a 22 year old, and a guy about my height who looked like my friends brother. 

The later was consistent. He was also persistent. I was not interested at first but he seemed genuinely nice so I kissed him. I started to feel better about him. He was a good kisser. But then we got chatting a bit more and he mentioned that he didn't like music. Any type of music. He didn't listen to music. His mother didn't like it and neither did he. I was shocked I'd never heard that someone wouldn't

Like music before it was the weirdest thing I'd ever heard. 

What has come of the world and people, he was happy because he was unique. To me it was frightening. The idea that I couldn't reminisce over a song or get caught up over a melody with someone made me feel sad almost automatically. 

This night had come to an end. 

Its been a while since I wrote my last post. I was a little worried to be honest.
How worry is the bane of my life, it has come from generations of anxious family members who passed it on to me my mother and my sister.
We cannot stop ourselves from worrying, about something I said, she said, what did they really mean?etc.....
Well, fuck it.
It ends with me I'm not gona let it stop me now, no full steam ahead!
Worry had brought me to places I really shouldn't have gone to in my own head.
Dark but sickly sweet places. Where I actually dwelled on situations looking for solutions only to come to the conclusion that we can't know everything and need to learn how to actually let things go and move on.

Face it head on I thought, head on is best.

I suffer with hereditary alopecia and the hairdresser used to say that it was because I worried about it and thought about it too much.
It's true the more I looked in the mirror the more it became an obsession it was one of those nagging worries that affected my confidence and generally all areas of my life including my femininity.
I needed it sorted like so many other problems that surfaced and stared me right in the face last year.
I decided to go and get myself diagnosed.
The dermatologiest confirmed that no amount of worrying or stress could've made my condition any worse because it had been genetic.
Although this was like music to my ears, because the cycle of feeling worried stressed and then guilty for stressing myself out floated away and left me with a feeling of lightness like no other.
I knew that there was no real cure now and it was something I might have to learn to live with.

It got me thinking about what a useless thing it is to worry. Worrying causes so much emotional pain and stress and really doesn't solve anything.
I resolved to figure out how to let things go more easily and live my life so that I could actually enjoy it.
Sometimes I over do it and it can set me back. I can really let go and sometimes hurt the people I love.
I set boundaries to feel more secure, I organised myself so that I could live on my own.
However I take a time out and I have no idea what to do with all this time that can lead to dwelling again.
So...........................

I started running.
2 miles at first then I managed 5 then 7 in the space of two weeks.

Now when I say running I mean slow jogging, sometimes breaking out into a faster pace. But I got there, I did it and it was a personal achievement that calmed the nagging worried part of my brain that would not shut the hell up.

I enjoy running so much that it is so hard to let too much time go by without doing it. I feel the nagging worry building up and solidifying in my chest area again which shakes me to my core and I hate it, I hate being like that.

But........

I had to take a break from it after only two weeks of starting to strike out and feel good. I had to paint my house. It took forever. I cleaned and cleaned and had no time to get out there.
The worry started again.

I started to get apprehensive now about my hair again. I had been wearing a volumiser for a while- mini wig that made me feel less like an oap when I was going out and a bit more like Cheryl Cole but It was slightly unnaturally thick which made me feel a little self conscious. I didnt mind when the wind blew though and I thought I don't care if it lashes my hair will not show any gaps.It was wonderful for a while.
 But this was not a long term thing. I needed something more permanent. It was no good having boys over and having to keep your hair on. Another worry that I obsessed over, holding me back from finding Mr right too.
So I decided to go for a hair transplant. This was going to cost a bit of money but I was facing up to it now and things were falling into place with my running and so with my head.
I wasn't allowed under the post- procedure guidelines to exercise for 2 weeks. I had had severe tonsillitis after the major effort I put into getting the house straight. That took another two weeks out if my training. I started running again this week and I forgot how good it feels. I just love it.
I ran to the point I had picked out in my run and bumped into a lady that I had got chatting to the last time I was out.
We chatted and I remembered what she had said running hd done for her.
Running had made her feel sane again, cutting out all the bullshit in her life leaving only the real worries lefte to deal with. Things that actually mattered.
I was in heaven.

After starting back out doing my 5k straight off the bat {which I couldn't believe I managed to do- albeit slowly) the first time back on the road.

I craved more. I went back out the next day and this time I had underlying stuff that was bothering me about friends that just wouldn't go away. I ran and ran and ran I pushed it up and out to let it go. As much as I could, because after all it wasnt something I could've changed. It wasn't something I really fully understood. I just knew I had to run. I went from  feeling slightly shite, to feeling good, at  points elated.
This is going to be part of my life from now on. This is my way forward. I am on the right track.

beginning again

I sat down tonight thinking, thinking a lot. My head felt the power, and the weight of of how heavy my thoughts were getting.
I've been writing a journal every day for the past month, with the purpose of changing my thoughts.
It seemed that for the longest time I have been using a flawed method of thinking, trying to make things feel better.
It went like this;
I wake up, alone single, aware that I'm 29 and lots of people I want to be like are settling down or settled and I am finding it harder to connect in a meaningful way with those who I most want to be like.
I found myself resenting them for what they have. Thinking of my negatives and their positives, wasting my energy on how they have found happiness and I have a gaping hole in me that is just not being filled.
My defenses are up so high I've found it so hard to figure out somedays how to sort it all out.

Lots of things have changed for me in the past 3 years.

I promised myself things would change, and change they did.
I stopped being friends with people I considered not great for my self confidence. Trying hard to fill their places with others who might not cross my undetermined, (as yet) boundaries that needed voicing.

I voiced them alright, after the fact, worried that I needed time to dwell and think and dwell again on my own actions assessing my need for drama and the balance between chaos and stability lest I become bored with life. Therefore filling and willing my life to be filled with contemplation. Not the good sort, at first.

Hense the journal.

I am starting out again, beginning again. I'm saying goodbye to the old ways that maybe held me in a place that I've grown out from, gotten bored or sick and tired of.

My journal is one meant for totting up the good experiences in this life. The ones that make each day what life is worth living for instead of the old ways of trying to understand the puzzle of pain that lay in the pit of my chest aching to be understood and gotten rid of quick, before anyone notices I'm not perfect. My God I'm not perfect, Oh how I try.

No now I would count my blessings. I try to reach ten blessings a day.I was so stuck in trying to fix problems by confronting them head on and worrying about confrontation and possible social consequences that I was scared of a lot.

I had tried  to confront many things, some I successfully managed.

I left relationships that weren't working, completely severed some feeling like I'd chopped off my own arm. Hating it but I needed to do it to face face face it.

I travelled alone in Canada and America.

I draughted new boundaries for new relationship designed to make me feel safe and secure, not realising I might be cutting myself off from what I needed most in this lonely single life.
My need to connect in a real way with others, cutting out all the crap and getting down to it.


I love the nitty gritty of sorting out each others mutual failings and inperfections realising that we are not all perfect ....phew.

So I got kind of sick of it and started trying to focus on BLESSINGS.

entry 1 went something like this

I am so greatful for the body I have, arms, legs, air, food, home, then I got stuck, oh yeah a job.....eh......car.........hmmmnnn this is hard, eh money, no I dont want to be one of those money loving people but I am greatful for what I have,.... ok that goes down....clothes........a family..friends.. how many is that??

Have I gone over ,ah feck it. Maybe , I think I can focus on this and give more time and energy to this rather than play fear facing scenarios over and over in my head, terrifying myself to the point that human interactions can be a bit much at times.

things have been going well so far, its been a month in total.

Good things started happening

More recognition at work, noticing the positives to being called into the office, not feeling so much the dreaded fear of what I might have done wrong, and being pleasantly surprised.

Stopped caring as much about if people think I'm kind, nice, happy and together.

Gained more human contact, because I realised I actually need it, like food and air, for me its a need.

I attracted chance meetings - got to meet two bands that I had seen and was amazed by on my travels. They ended up coming to Dublin, where they weren't being mobbed by fans and I actually went for a night out with Hey Rosetta and met Mr Allen Stone and band. Both so worth looking up.


Not only that but the more thankful I felt the more I was able to pass it on and break down some of my defenses, giving back to those that I felt thankful towards.

This was all working so wonderfully, I was feeling different. I didnt feel that I needed to get to the bottom of that aching feeling. I found I could actually change my thoughts, with a bit of effort.

Lets face it, an every day effort. I pondered how many others my age and circumstance were doing similar things.
I asked a friend and she said I maybe just needed to get a dog. I had been going on about getting one because I need to look after something if not someone. I need to do that. To me I'm far to complicated for that to be the final answer to this. We as humans have so many needs that we rarely know what they all are.
I knew this would give me the comfort I needed but I need more nourishment that that. I need to invest in myself every single day to the point where I am able to look in the mirror and thank myself from the bottom of my heart.
For being here, for being me.

I did that, and I cried. A little. But I felt it in that empty space in the pit of my chest, filling slightly.
The more I put behind it, the  more I backed it up, the more I made myself believe and became more convincing the more I thought, this is what I truly need right now.
I need to truly deeply accept and love myself and recognise the good that is coming my way and open up and accept that too. With deserving hands.
Yes I say, I am worthy and I accept the good that is coming my way.
I start filling myself up and nourishing myself the aching dulls.